I Was an Obsessive Crazy Girlfriend; Find Your Cure!

            I've been in a relationship with Mike for 4 years and 5 months. We have been dating since Junior Year of High School and now we’re seniors in college. There have been multiple times when people have asked me things like “where’s the ring?” or “do you think you guys will get married?” or “when do you think you guys will get married?” I even had one instance when I told a girl how long I had been dating Mike and in two simple words she dampened my mood, “no ring?” But recently I've found myself looking forward to a future with Mike but not being so upset that our future isn't starting tomorrow.

            There was also a time in our relationship when things weren't so good. Like I said, we started dating in high school. Freshman year of college Mike broke up with me. For me, that was completely devastating. I was going to school in the same town as him and I ended up dropping out of school. I almost left my home church to go to a new one because I didn't want to be around him. I felt like I had lost a lot of my friends too and the truth is, I had! After about a week or two of not being with Mike I realized how little I had in my life without him there. If you’re in a relationship right now, please just take a few seconds and think to yourself:

“What would I have if my boyfriend or girlfriend was no longer in my life?”

Be realistic. Which friends do you think you would still have? What would you end up doing on a weekend night? Who would you eat your meals with? Would you feel completely alone in places that you are usually a regular? Would you still get invited to places? Would you still have someone in your life to challenge you in your walk with God on the same frequent basis? Would you still have someone who you could reach out to when you heard something new and exciting from God? Which hobbies would you keep, which ones would fall away? What would you do in your spare time?

            I would just like to answer some of those questions with where I was at about three years ago. I did not have many friends left. I had a few who I had completely taken for granted while I was dating Mike. I had some friends who I had completely blown off or ignored. I had other friends who were completely sick and tired of hearing me whine about Mike over and over again. But realistically, throughout the course of my relationship with Mike up until that point, Mike was my one and only true friend. Therefore, when he dumped me I started to feel more alone than ever and truthfully that’s when I started to blow up my twitter feed. Sometimes things happen that you just want to tell someone about but when you don’t have anyone specific to tell those things to you might just end up tweeting them. This is what I have to say to people who don’t invest in any lives except the lives of their significant others, STOP IT! If you only have one life you’re truly taking the time to invest in then I believe you’re limiting God. If you would step away from your relationship for a while maybe you could invest in the lives of others. Don’t you want to position yourself in a way that God can truly use you? If you’re not someone’s somebody to lean on then you’re missing a huge opportunity to be used by God. Start investing in others’ lives, position yourself better, allow God to use the positions you place yourself in and hope that you don’t only position yourself to be God’s instrument in one person’s life. Anyways, back to those questions…On weekend nights I ended up in my bed watching TV at home with my two dogs…no joke. For a while I didn’t even eat meals and when I did it was usually alone in my room, yet again. I felt completely alone when I went to church especially. That was a place that I “regulared”, if you will, and I felt like all the people there were Mike’s friends and not my friends. There were a few people who did really help in that time by just talking to me and treating me like nothing had changed but it was really difficult to not feel alone. I didn’t have anyone to challenge me in my faith but to be quite fair, I’m pretty sure that all fell on my immature shoulders. I also had no one to share my God moments with. I ended up watching a lot of TV as some sort of hobby and I also played a lot of piano and sang. I didn’t necessarily lose any hobbies but in my spare time I usually just ran errands like some kind of soccer mom.

            I hope some of that paints a small picture for you of what my life was like without Mike about three years ago. Obviously since then Mike and I have gotten back together. From what I’ve said previously I’m sure a lot of people think that was probably a bad choice because my attachment to him probably seems unhealthy. Well it definitely was before but I have completely changed. After Mike and I broke up the first time I realized that I had made my relationship with him and idol in my life. I refocused my aim and realized God needed to be back at the center of everything. I also constantly keep myself in check these days to make sure I’m not repeating some sort of cycle. If I were to ask myself all of those questions today my answers would be completely different.

            Which friends do you think you would still have? I would definitely still have Erika, Ashley, Mel, Grace, and Blake. I also have a stronger relationship with my sister these days so that would certainly help. I think I would still have Thiago and Chad, Jordan and Mark seem like wildcards. Justin would remain in shared custody between Mike and I, he wouldn’t pick any side. I mean, he’s closer with Mike but I met him first soooooo it’s only fair that we share. On weekend nights I would probably still sit in bed and watch TV from time to time because for some reason I genuinely enjoy my alone time doing that. I think on most weekends I would still hang out with everyone or at least watch TV with Erika. If I were eating meals alone it would only be because I’m cheap, other than that I’m sure Justin would plan something or make us all brunch. I’m sure there are still places where I would feel alone because I tend to be an introvert at times and act more shy than I am; but, I’ve been forced to make my own friends in some situations and places and if I need to that’s something I know that I can do now. I started at Brentwood church not knowing anyone and now I look forward to serving with people I know. I think I would still get invited places especially because Mike is in Europe right now and I still get invited places. Erika would definitely continue to challenge me because she already does now and I hope I do the same for her. She is literally the exact type of friend I prayed for when I decided I wanted to go to Liberty and I’m thankful for my friendship with her every day and I’m extremely grateful for the fact that God is the center of our friendship. Talking about biblical issues is never out of the question or awkward and we can still make fun of each other every day. Not to mention, she loves TV and Sims…like what a beautiful combination. I think I would still paint and write a lot and those are things I would do in my spare time.  

            Paul talks in the Bible on how it is easier to be single because a single individual’s focus is always on God. A single person does not have a divided duty to please his or her spouse and God at the same time. Obviously God should always come first but a spouse has an interest to please both leaving them conflicted at times. I am an extreme One Tree Hill fan. It is my favorite show of all time. Haley and Nathan have an excellent marriage because they both never stop pursuing their dreams; they vow never to hold one another back. Ideally every relationship would be that simple but chasing dreams is more difficult in a relationship than people like to believe. Being in a relationship or a marriage is a calling from God and sometimes our dreams are also a calling from God. I believe we have multiple callings from God. I also believe if we only had one calling things would be simpler by far! I feel called to do a counseling internship with a church, but I also feel called to still be with Mike and continue to pursue marriage with him. That doesn’t sound difficult but if my internship is far away from Mike my desire to actually pursue it lessens. And that has nothing to do with him telling me I shouldn’t because I am 100% certain he would actually push me to go do it; but, that wouldn’t make leaving him any easier.

Sometimes our callings leave us conflicted and it feels like we’re the rope in a tug-of-war between two things we really want to do! Personally I also believe that simply feeling conflicted between two good things does not mean your relationship is bad or unhealthy. But I do believe that when you neglect one good thing over and over again you run out of those tough decisions to make. That’s actually more worrisome than having those tough decisions in the first place. I would rather have those tough decisions and know that I am still an individual with goals than to not have those tough choices anymore and realize that my entire life is anchored on whether or not I marry who I want to marry.  I would rather have multiple goals than just one goal to pursue a relationship and I would rather have multiple goals than just one goal to pursue a career. So if you realize that you don’t have any tough decisions like that to make, stop and think if there was a time in your life when that would have been different. Take some time to wonder if you gave up something for someone else. Are you settling for not having it all? Are you truly positioning yourself in a way that God can fully use you?

I’m about to switch gears a little bit and skip forward a bit more in my relationship with Mike. So three years after our break up and we’re still together, stronger than before and certainly more focused on what’s important (mostly me I was the crazy one). But like I had said before, everyone asks when the ring is coming. The main reason girls seem to make idols out of their relationships seems to me like it has so much to do with making a marriage and family their one and only goal. I think the first time around in our relationship I was so focused on that and that is when my relationship became an idol.

Marriage is a blessing, a calling, a job, and something to look forward to; but marriage shouldn’t be something that we’re so anxious for that we allow it to ruin where we are currently at. How can you enjoy the present if you’re constantly wishing that the future would begin? How can you enjoy a road trip if you’re the one constantly saying, “Are we there yet?” It’s so difficult to start the actual research for the paper if all you’re focused on is the actual 20 pages you’re going to have to write! When you enter into a relationship yes marriage is the goal and the point of dating is to get there but once you’re in a committed relationship find a way to enjoy where you’re at during every stage of that relationship!

Personally, I used to want to get married right out of college or at least be engaged by my senior year. Mike knew that and we talked about it once upon a time and Mike told me his own ideas on the matter. Mike believes that marriage should be an option once he is financially stable. When he first told me that I was frustrated but only because I realized that I agreed and that he was right and he was smart. Now when I think about it I respect him for that. I feel safe knowing that Mike wants to be able to take care of me and he wants to take the time to make sure he can fully do so. I love the fact that Mike wants to make sure he can give me what I fully deserve maturity-wise and financially. Knowing all of this helped me to be less anxious toward a future because I understood and agreed with waiting.

It seems to me that most girls get anxious for marriage the second they view it as a possibility. Once a guy tells his girlfriend anything about marriage it’s very likely that she starts imagining kids and planning a wedding. But what is the real reason to be so anxious? Realistically, if you stop long enough to really realize it, you have everything you need right where you’re at in that relationship right now. You have a man who loves you, he’s obviously committed, he’s hopefully your best friend, and he’s always there for you. What are the differences between your relationship now and what your relationship would be if you were married?

1.      Discussing finances and sharing money?

2.      Sex?

3.      A wedding in between?

4.      Kids (do you really want that RIGHT now)?

5.      Living in the same house?

6.      An expensive piece of jewelry on your hand?

All of these things are definitely things to be excited for but they’re not the main point of marriage. The main point of marriage is the fact that you love someone and they’re your best friend and you get that part with them before you even tie the knot! And realistically are you ready to tie the knot if that love and friendship aspect isn’t fully in order yet? If it’s meant to be it will be! If there’s a commitment level there now, then it should still be there in a few years! Being anxious toward all of these things is just making where you’re currently at that much more difficult! You’re basically constantly telling yourself that where you’re at right now isn’t good enough for you and you’re making things harder on yourself.

            I think about marrying Mike all the time but focusing on that is a downward spiral. I’m blessed to have him in my life and I’m thankful for him every day but God could remove Mike from my life again at any moment and that shouldn’t cause my life to fall apart in any way. I don’t want to miss this time in my relationship with Mike because one day when I’m 70 years old I’m going to wish I had this time back. I don’t want to take any second of it for granted and I want to fully appreciate it all. I want to be fully happy right where we are because time always flies quicker than you think. My life is so much shorter than I will ever fully understand and I am so thankful that I met Mike in seventh grade, so early in life. God has given me so much time with him and I want to take the time to appreciate every second rather than being anxious for the next part of it!

Philippians 4:4-7

“Rejoice in the Lord always, I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

Don’t be anxious. Pray for that picture perfect future to stay intact while you’re being thankful for what you already have. He’ll give you peace and joy for wherever you are right now.